WAG Help – Why be a WAG?

Dear Cat

Sometimes as WAG I feel confused about my role as a Girlfriend-with-a-capital-G. Do I really matter? Are there any pitfalls I should be wary of? 



Dear Philosophical

Your role as a Girlfriend is vital to his success! In fact his playing performance hinges solely on your ability to satisfy his every need and desire while causing minimal disruption to his daily routine.

If you are the perfect Girlfriend, he will play brilliantly, the team will win, the fans will be happy, and the universe will be right. His playing performance has nothing to do with the coach, the trainers, the medical staff, or his teammates, and everything to do with you! Don’t believe me? Well then maybe you’ll believe my Bible when it comes to all things feminine, philosophical and sporty: The Daily Telegraph


Michael Clarke's stats per girlfriend 

See? When Michael Clarke was in a relationship with Lara Bingle, his average was heaps lower than now he’s with Kyly. And look at what marriage did for his average –263!*

 * You should totally quote this stat to trap him into marriage! Totes.


The opposition he was playing? Irrelevant!

Where he was playing? Inconsequential!

Did he try a new training method that might have worked? Doesn’t matter!


 Article about Michael Clarke's batting average in the Daily Telegraph


Just as society intended, the two women were objectified and compared with each other “one Sunday afternoon”, then judged against the journalist’s own moral standards. This detailed and nuanced analysis  DOES NOT lie – Lara bad, Kyly good. You can’t argue with statistics. 

So you can see just how important it is to society that you’re a good Girlfriend – your actions can change the sporting landscape for all time. 


A Case Study

The first lesson you need to learn is easily the most vital. It must be all about him at all times. You need to understand that your needs, desires and dreams no longer matter when apart from your partner. Apparently that’s what Lara got wrong and Kyly gets oh-so-right.

 Article Referencing Michael Clarke and new wife

Yes, that first sentence says it all. With Lara it was all about her, but with Kyly it’s all about him. The secret to not only a successful relationship, but more importantly, a better sporting performance, is making your partnership all about him. And aren’t those tweets precious – she feels lucky to be with him, proud of him, and marrying him was the greatest day of her life. He’s happy, and ummm happy. 

So here is your new meditation mantra:


“It’s all about him. I’m lucky to be with him. I’m proud of him” 


Article referencing Clarke Bingle relationship in the Daily Telegraph


So what you should take from this – don’t be high maintenance and don’t let him give you expensive jewellery or cars, and don’t let him take you on holidays. You need to prove to him that you love him despite his fame, riches, and fleeting fortune.

Also, while you can’t go back in time to before you met him so you can avoid the adulterous footballer who took a photo of you in the shower without your consent which he then distributed, again without your consent, to his teammates who saw nothing wrong with passing it along to all of their mates…Well, she should have somehow foreseen the consequences and remained pure and virginal until after she was betrothed. 

Not only has this section given you an insight into some of the complex considerations that went in to the evaluation of these two ladies’ relative value that fateful Sunday afternoon, it’s also highlighted practical things that you mustn’t do.  

And hey – the proof is in the pudding. He dumped Lara and then went out to smash 168 against the Kiwis!

 Article reference to Quade Cooper and Stephanie Rice


In case you hadn’t made the link between cricket and rugby, here’s an easy example in our own code. Like so many others, I don’t think Quade should have taken any responsibility for his social media indiscretions, his much-discussed lack of form, or his well-publicised scuffles with the ARU. Nope, I blame the woman who was in a relationship with him that ended more than a year ago. Nice one Steph, or should I call you…Yoko. 


Article referencing Paul Gallen


Going a couple of steps further on the logic journey, did you know that a stable relationship CAUSES you to be less of an arsehat? Until reading this article, I assumed that reducing the expression of those behaviours which cause people to think you’re an arsehole may contribute to someone being able to attract a nicer partner. I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

But just as good relationships make someone less of an arsehole, bad relationships can make someone more of an arsehole. As you can see, Damien Oliver’s marriage breakdown caused his gambling and “personal problems”. Before I understood how big a role the W and/or G  played in an athlete’s life, I assumed that gambling and other personal problems would put strain on a marriage. I stand corrected. 

I think the last sentence really says it all: happy wife, happy life. 



If his performance starts to suffer, it’s probably something you’re doing wrong. 

If he’s playing brilliantly, try marrying him; it could be just what he needs to take his match-day performance to the next level. 





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      I suggest formulating some sort of job application and shopping it around to all the franchises. Be sure to cover your selflessness and your smut-free personal life.

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