I’ve started dating a rugby player and I really really want to be a good girlfriend. Do you have any tips that would make me the best girlfriend possible?
Congratulations on your victory! And if you’re looking for advice, you’ve come to the right place – I watched the entire series of WAG Nation (and blogged about it), I watch Lara Bingle, I have the Bachelor of the Year issue of Cleo… What I’m trying to say is, well, I know what I’m talking about.
Now that you are the G part of the WAG title, you are a member of the upper echelons of society. You are the envy of every other girl in Australia, and the whole world is opening up to you. But as a great philosopher said, with great power comes great responsibility, and I can’t overstate the importance of the advice I’m about to give you.
GUSSY YOURSELF UP!
Prettying yourself up serves two vital functions: showing the world how successful he is, and reinforcing his virile heterosexuality.
Highlighting his success
As a WAG you are an ornamental expression of your partner’s success. As such, it’s super-important to be the prettiest and shiniest ornament you can be when you represent him. Think about it: only hot chicks become Miss Australia because they have to represent Australia to the rest of the universe. The hotter the chick, the better our country is.
Think of your girlfriend-role as being the Miss Australia of your partner – the hotter you are, the better he’ll be. When you look at it like that, you’re waxing for your country!
You see, after a hard day of training, meetings, coffee, a nap, more training, some sushi, a physio session and some tweeting, all your man wants to do is get away from all the stress and spend time with a girl who is diametrically opposite to his teammates. This is why women’s magazines say that your “most important role” is being in a relationship and supporting your warrior-partner.
What you need to remember though is that although your appearance is all that matters in the eye of the public, it is considered poor form to judge your partner on looks alone. Although this may lead to occasional cosmetic imbalances, his playing jersey will more than compensate for any shortfall in any perceived facial advantage.
Reinforcing virility and heterosexuality
Let’s face it – 30+ sweaty buff dudes in various states of undress tackling and wrestling with each other can be a challenge to the assumed heterosexuality of sport. Pair that with sleeping in the same hotel room for weeks on end, and eating out as couples and you have yourself the middle part of a trashy romance novel (the bit where everyone’s happy; the bit before one party grows afraid of getting hurt again)…
Your man needs you to be more girly so he can look more manly by comparison. You need to spend longer grooming than he does, you need to shop more, you need to own more pairs of shoes, and you need to wear more makeup.
Sometimes this will be challenging. Sometimes you will wonder what else you can wax, spray, pluck, exfoliate, dye, cut and trim. But this isn’t about you – it’s about him and HIS needs. And if the public finds out that you are slipping up on ANY of these areas for ANY reason, expect a Facebook group to crop up. You know, something like “I’m hotter than _____’s wife”.
These groups, although appearing hyper-critical and anti-feminist, are your best weapons in your ongoing fight for your man. They’re full of tips you can put to use straight away:
- “the dumb b***h should learn to wear makeup – her face makes me want to vomit” = perhaps book in for an expensive makeup course and learn to define your features.
- “She’s a fat s**t” and I reckon she’d be a dud root” = Personal trainer, anyone? Or perhaps wear a dress with sleeves? And maybe you should invest in an instructional DVD about sex too.
You see, women are your best allies in supporting your man. They want what’s best for the team, and in order for him to benefit the team, he needs to be at his best. Use them, because they are on your side!